he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
