I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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