Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
