Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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