Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Someone came in the potted fern
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
