there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
dude. I can hear the air.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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