Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
