Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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