Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
