My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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