I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
