whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
