Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
