i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
