i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
