So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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