Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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