My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
