I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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