Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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