I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
That accounts for only three of the penises
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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