I'm really into asian looking animals
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
