it was like eating out sand paper
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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