Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
