I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
