Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
