I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
