The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
