frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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