Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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