ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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