I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
