I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
