I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
