When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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