she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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