yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
