he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
