True but thats because hes a fetus.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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