I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
