I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
smell my finger.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
