I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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