Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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