The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
