Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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