at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
