i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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