...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
