the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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