Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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